I Deleted My Gay Hookup Apps — Now What?
Reclaiming Myself by Taking Back My Body
Let me be real: after years of treating hookup apps like they were part of my daily routine, I finally hit delete. Okay, fine, I kept Raya — because let’s be honest, it’s different? — but I’m done with the rest of it. Hookups had their moment, but now I want more. I want connection. Hell, I want the six-date rule before sex, something I never thought I’d say. I’m over casual. It’s time to figure out what happens when I prioritize getting to know someone, and dare I say, make intimacy mean more again.
But here’s the thing — I have no idea if this is going to work. What’s the endgame? Who knows? What I do know is that what I’ve been doing wasn’t it. I’ve been stuck in the same damn loop, expecting different results but getting nothing but frustration. And isn’t that the definition of insanity? It’s time to break the cycle and see what happens when I do things differently.
The Hookup Trap and a Jaded Mindset
To keep it 100, I had given up on love for a while. Lost hope. I fell deep into this jaded mindset where I convinced myself that love wasn’t for me — not because I didn’t deserve it, but because it didn’t seem worth the fucking effort anymore. I started thinking that wanting to care about someone, let alone love anyone in this day and age, was a damn fallacy. Why bother, when all it does is lead to disappointment?
Then came the trap — a “recreational” trap I know a lot of us in the gay community have dipped our toes into, with many falling in altogether. Party favors mixed with sex. And honestly, it became my weekend tool for dissociation for a few months. Go to work during the week. And forget about life on the weekend. Every time a guy let me down, I leaned into that cycle to not feel it. Ghosted? Just party. Another guy in an open relationship trying to slide me in as a secondary? Numb it with another round. To a point where it was like “Oh it’s the weekend?” It’s time to not care!
Acknowledge: I am lucky that I was able to just walk away. There’s many in our community that are stuck in it.
The worst part was that the disconnection became second nature. It was easy to detach from all the feelings, because the feelings weren’t giving me shit back — just headache and heartache. And eventually, hookups became the crutch — a quick and easy way to feel something without feeling anything.
The Mindfuck of Being “Good Enough for Sex, But Not for Love”
Here’s where things got most oppressive. Especially as a Black guy in Portland Oregon. The same guys who ghosted me after dates or ignored me when I tried to connect suddenly found value in me when it came time to hook up. It was like I had an on/off switch — turn me off for emotions and connection, but flip me back on when they were ready for a good time.
And that, my friends, is the biggest mindfuck. I was good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to be seen in public with. It was as if my worth was boiled down to a body. It felt like I was there for them when it was convenient but invisible the rest of the time.
Then I Met Someone… And Got Hurt
But then I met someone, and for the first time in a while, I felt something. And yeah, of course, I ended up with my feelings hurt. But you know what? I don’t regret any of it. Because in the process of getting hurt, I remembered what it was like to care about someone. To want to build something real. He reawakened a part of me that I’d numbed for too long — the part that craves vulnerability and connection.
And maybe he wasn’t the one. Actually, scratch that — he definitely wasn’t the one. But what I realized through that experience was that I am worthy of a real connection. I just need to stop playing by the same rules that had me chasing validation through hookups. I need to prioritize what I need, and stop wasting time and effort on the wrong people.
Realization and Epiphany: The Wrong Person, Not the Wrong Effort
This realization hit me hard: I was pouring effort into the wrong person. And, embarrassingly, it took me until 38 to figure it out. He liked the attention, the energy I gave him, but he didn’t want me. I kept thinking that if I gave more, he’d finally see my value and reciprocate. But here’s the kicker: he didn’t need to because he didn’t want what I wanted. He couldn’t give me what I needed because he wasn’t the right person.
That epiphany was a game changer. It wasn’t about me or my effort — it was about finding someone who was ready and willing to match it. And that wasn’t on me; it was on him.
Confronting My Feelings, Not Numbing Them
After that, I had to confront my emotions head-on. No more dissociating. No more hookups to fill the void. I realized I needed to be honest with myself about what I truly wanted. I needed to heal, to let myself feel, and most importantly, to allow myself to want something more.
Deleting the apps wasn’t just a symbolic gesture — it was an intentional step toward shifting my mindset. It wasn’t about giving up on sex, but about refusing to let sex be the crutch for intimacy. The fake feeling of being wanted wasn’t cutting it anymore. What I wanted — what I need — was real intimacy. The kind you can only find when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, when you put in the effort and wait for someone who’s willing to meet you there.
Where Do I Go From Here?
It’s been 2 months off the gay hookup apps. And honestly? I don’t miss them. X formally know as Twitter has been my FWB. Sure, it’s going to be more of a challenge to meet people without that instant gratification, but I’m up for it. I’m more encouraged to say hello to someone when I’m out. I’m more open to real conversations with matches on Raya.
Where do I go from here? The goal is to date with intention, to find meaningful connections. But more than that, it’s about prioritizing my own needs and holding myself accountable to them. I refuse to waste my energy on people or situations that don’t align with what I want. I’m putting myself out there, yes, but I’m doing it my way prioritizing my needs as a boundary to assert and flag that it’s safe to stay or time to walk away.
So, I deleted my gay hookup apps. Now what? Well, now I focus on the kind of connection I’ve always wanted but didn’t think I could have. Now, I move forward with the knowledge that I’m worthy of love, of care, of intimacy. And I’m done settling for less. Or we shall see. You know we love to chase those damn red flags.
