Why Dating as a Gay Man Sucks — But Here’s Why You Should Keep Going Anyway

Dating fucking sucks.

Let’s just start with that. No sugarcoating, no pretending it’s some rom-com fantasy where you trip on the sidewalk and fall into the arms of a guy who just gets you. Nah. It’s messy, and it hurts, and if you’re like me — a gay guy who’s spent way too much time in his head — it’s easy to want to just throw in the towel. Trust me, I’ve been there.

I’ve sat on the sidelines after being rejected, ghosted, or left questioning what the hell I did wrong. You start to wonder if it’s worth it. Is love actually in the cards? Or are you destined to ride solo through this wild life? Statistics back it up — 47% of lesbian, gay, and bisexual adults are single, compared to just 29% of straight adults. That’s not just a number; it’s a reality that feels all too personal when you’re out there trying to navigate the dating world as a queer person. Rejection, my friends, is a bitter pill we’ve swallowed too many times.

But here’s the thing, despite all the shit — the ghosting, the cheating, the gaslighting, and the effort not being reciprocated — I still believe in love. Even after all that. The toxic experiences, the heartache, and the disappointments don’t define my journey, and they sure as hell don’t stop me from believing in something real.

When it comes to my overthinking, as I don’t know about you but I’m my biggest bully, that’s where therapy and self-help books come into play. I’ve spent years in therapy, not to fix myself, but to understand the why behind my thought patterns. Therapy has been this space where I could untangle the mess of my brain, especially when I caught myself replicating toxic behaviors I’d absorbed growing up. The overthinking? It was often tied to my brain mirroring the dysfunctional relationships and expectations of them that I’d experienced; it was like the constant mind fuck of self criticism, projecting toxic expectations, and so many others codependent and anger reactive red flags. I had to consciously break that cycle, and believe me, that’s no easy feat — and also a constant effort to be aware off and work at. But it’s been worth it. Working through those layers helped me recognize what triggers my overthinking in the first place and how to redirect it, and treat myself with love in the process.

As for self-help books, they were never just about slapping a band-aid on my issues. Books like, The Velvet Rage, helped me understand that a lot of my struggles came from internalized oppression — stuff I’d carried with me from way back. By addressing that, I started to overcome the feelings of shame and inadequacy that fueled my self-depreciation and even some anger I didn’t realize I had. Learning to express my emotions clearly, not just in terms of what I needed, but also being cognizant of my partner’s needs, was a game-changer. I used to think love would automatically click into place, but it takes work.

Or like, 5 Love Languages, which taught me about setting boundaries, communicating needs, and recognizing the differences ways we receive love. It wasn’t enough to just understand mine; I had to be able to communicate it. And just as importantly, I had to recognize my partner’s love language too. Love is about give and take. When the rose-colored glasses inevitably come off, it’s that awareness of each other’s needs that keeps the relationship strong.

Even when the confidence dips and my heart’s been knocked around like someone with a slapping balls fetish, there’s this part of me that can’t shake the idea that love is out there, waiting for me, waiting for us. Because I know I’m doing the work, and I’m worth it. And so are you.

So yeah, I’m here to say: don’t give up on that hope. But more than that, give yourself fucking grace. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to fall for the wrong guy, ignore a bunch of red flags, and maybe get ghosted so hard you think you’ll never recover. But none of that defines your worth.

The truth is, dating isn’t just about finding “the one.” It’s about growth, real messy personal growth. It has this way of revealing all the wounds we thought were healed, all the insecurities we pretend aren’t there. You start dating someone, and boom, that shit gets exposed. But in a good way — because if you let it, that exposure leads to healing. It pushes you to confront your fears and builds your confidence in ways that being single just can’t.

And here’s something else: dating helps you figure out what you actually want. Sure, being single can give you clarity, but it’s through connection that you start to solidify what truly matters. Values, dreams, the future you want — it all starts to come into sharper focus when you’re navigating life with someone else.

But you can’t lose yourself in the process. That’s where so many of us, myself included, have gotten it twisted. You don’t measure success dating by whether it lasts forever or whether you end up married with a white picket fence. It’s about staying connected to yourself— being a good partner to yourself while figuring out how to be a good partner to someone else.

It’s often said, “Don’t think with your heart, use your brain.” But honestly, that’s never really resonated with me. For me, it’s never been about superior logic or careful planning. My mindset is what pushes me forward. People see me and say, “You’re so confident!” but hell, really, I’m just stupidly daring maybe? I keep moving forward, not because I’m reckless, but because I feel like if I don’t take a step, nothing in my life will change. It’s survival instinct at this point. And in that, I’ve learned that no one can tell you what’s right or wrong for your journey.

So, if you’re out there thinking, “Man, I can’t do this anymore,” let me tell you: You can. But more importantly, you should — because every time you put yourself out there, you’re not just risking heartbreak. You’re gaining something, even if it’s not obvious at first. You’re practicing. You’re learning. And one day, it’s all going to click.

One last bit of “advice”: Do whatever the hell you think is best for you — period. People love to hand out advice like candy, myself included, but at the end of the day, only YOU know what you need. Only you can feel what kind of experience is calling you, even if it seems like everyone else has a blueprint for what’s “right” or “wrong.” And honestly? Fuck the idea that there’s a correct or incorrect path. Life’s about experience, not ticking boxes or following some arbitrary rulebook.

See, I’ve learned that it’s not about making the “correct” choice. It’s about choosing the experience that feels worth your energy, your effort, your time. Sometimes, you’re going to pour yourself into something — or someone — and yeah, it might blow up in your face. You might regret it later. But that’s part of the ride. The reality is, you won’t always know if the experience will give back what you’re putting in, or if the jizz is worth the squeeze until you’re in it, or well, on your face. And guess what? That’s okay.

The best we can do is make choices based on what feels right in the moment, knowing that those choices will evolve as we do. And sometimes, those choices are going to lead to places that suck — really suck. But give yourself grace in those moments. Because even if it feels like the world is caving in, and the pain is endless, it will pass. Trust me on that. The heartache, the regrets, the overthinking — it all eventually fades into something softer.

So yeah, dating, love, relationships, all that shit — it’s a wild, unpredictable experience. But the point isn’t to get it perfect. It’s to be brave enough to show up, to engage, to risk it. And in the end, to forgive yourself when it doesn’t go according to plan. Because sometimes it won’t. And that’s just part of the journey.

Keep moving forward, even if it’s messy. Even if it hurts like hell sometimes. Because the moment you stop? That’s when nothing changes!